In the spirit of the season, here are the official CYHMN? Suggestions for Holiday Speeches – a surefire means to a stress-free, emotionally secure, and artistically inspiring holiday season.

Simply follow these pieces of advice, and any holiday speech that’s requested of you will move hearts, change minds, reconcile conflicts, and even cook food faster! Guaranteed!*

1. Always do a performance poem. Or a mime. Everyone loves those things!
2. Limit yourself to the goodly length of 3 minutes or less. While points won’t be deducted for going over, per se, the longer your poem goes the more likely you are to have food thrown at you. Which might not be such a bad thing, depending on the skill of the cook.
3. “Turkey” rhymes with everything. Write accordingly.
4. Despite the effectiveness of previous performance poems that dealt with subjects such as your great aunt’s drinking problem, your cousin’s racism, and the emotional neglect inflicted upon you by your parents, avoid borrowing lines from these pieces to include in your speech. The reception will likely be different from the one you received at the poetry club.
5.  Know your audience and choose your imagery carefully. Despite what you may believe, there is more than one holiday being celebrated at this time of year.
6. Even at home, props are not allowed.
7. A glass of your favourite holiday beverage is NOT considered a prop.
8. Musical accompaniment is optional. Unless it’s offered by your sister who has auditioned, unsuccessfully, for eight years to be on a reality TV show about aspiring ukelele players trying to make it to “The Show” – then it’s prohibited.
9. Constrain your gestures to the space. At the best of times, no one appreciates a slap from a performance poet, no matter how much you think they should.
10. Give generously, constantly, and joyously of yourself, your time, and your affection. Particularly if you’re trying to build a career as a performance poet because you won’t be able to afford giving anything else.

*Guarantee only valid in Instanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey on December 18, 2047, from 3:37 to 3:38 a.m.

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And congratulations to Bishop Grandin High School – the first team to officially register a team in CYHMN?!

For everyone else, please remember that the deadline for the Intent to Compete form is January 20 and the deadline for the registration form is February 28.